

Jen Lancaster and
Laurie Notaro are some of the funniest female writers around these days, and when we received this new author one-on-one between them I couldn't wait to share it with Omni readers. Lancaster
has just veered off from memoirs to fiction with her new book about a couple renovating a house together,
If You Were Here,
which brings to mind that old Steve Martin movie,
The Money Pit. Notaro returns in July with new laugh-out-loud tales of marriage and family in
It Looked Different on the Model. Reading their chat made me love them even more--
they're like the self-deprecating best friends that never run out of hilarious things to say.
Lancaster: Before I get to questions, I have to take a step back and acknowledge how surreal it is to be doing a peer interview with you. When I was unemployed and looking desperately for a purpose in 2002, I ran across Idiot Girls. I loved your voice so much that it made me want to start writing, too, thinking, "Hey! I get drunk and fall down sometimes! I could tell those stories, too!" Flash forward nine years, and not only are we interviewing each other, but we've shared French fries with ranch dressing and you sent my dogs homemade chicken jerky. (Huge hit, by the way.) So I'd be remiss not to mention and thank you for your influence. That brings me to my first question "“ what or who motivated you to write your first book?
Notar Well, Miss Jen, I can't tell you how fun it is to do this with you, too! I am delighted that anything I wrote was an instigation for you to find your voice; you are way too funny and charming to keep it all to yourself, you know. I remember our night of grilled cheese and French fries; that sandwich was almost as good as the company (and that was one perfect grilled cheese), and I'm so glad the kids liked the chicken jerky. I was praying that you didn't think I was sending you a bag full of voodoo chicken bones or something kooky like that which might result in a restraining order.
Plain and simple, the thing that inspired me to write the first book was that I was still in college and was convinced that no one would hire me and I would forever be jobless. I was about to get my degree in journalism and had all of these columns that I had been writing for the State Press, Arizona State University's newspaper, for the past couple of years and I put them together and started to send them out to publishers in 1994. They were just goofy stories about me and my friends as we stumbled from bar to bar in Tempe, Arizona, and did embarrassing things that no self-respecting girl would ever admit to, like prying ashtrays out the back of cabs with a butter knife stolen earlier that night from IHOP, or digging through a filthy, smelly dumpster full of trash for my drunk friend's keys. Or finding my best friend essentially topless and blacked out on the Indian reservation. It was basically a handbook about very bad choices and the path that leads to rehab. As time went on, I became a columnist/reporter for several weeklies, city magazines, and finally, the daily newspaper in Phoenix, The Arizona Republic. By that time, I had enough material to fill out several books, and even though I had a job, I was still sending my book proposal out to agents and publishing houses but with no luck. Finally, I published Idiot Girls on my own and in 2001 found the right agent who persuaded a publisher to marry me. And then I lost my job anyway.
Lancaster: You've done memoir and fiction "“ any preference? Do you find fiction to be a little easier in that you don't have to actually live through embarrassing events in order to write about them? Or are you more inspired by real life?
Notar I'm a fan of both--I love knowing how a story is going to end and being able to turn humiliating experiences into something that will hopefully make someone laugh. The other day, I unintentionally racially profiled a small child on the busiest corner in Scottsdale by trying exert a humanitarian gesture. If I could punch myself in the face for it and leave a black eye, I would, but my health insurance is kind of sucky and I think the story is better served as a warning to others. That's something I could never make up. Ever. Or would want to. I think the best things in life are real; if I made up a story about how I was blacklisted from the neighborhood holiday party for lip synching "Jingle Bells," even I wouldn't believe myself. But it happened. I bear the hidden scars. And I have witnesses.
However, fiction is so much fun because you can build characters and let them weave their own story--and most of the time, it's not going to end up the way you planned. It's like watching a girl get progressively drunk at a party and trying to guess what her next move is going to be. Sometimes you can figure it out, but sometimes, you find her on the Indian reservation in just a bra three hours later. As they become fuller and rounder, the characters make their own decisions and they tell you where they want to go. That's the party of fiction; sometimes the writer is only the ugly girl along for the ride. And I really enjoy the impossibility of putting the puzzle pieces of a plot together, it's a challenge that makes me feel like I can watch a hard episode of Nova all the way through and claim I sort of understand it when honestly, I had a kicking fight with my Dyson because I couldn't get the long sticky thing to pull out and I was the one who got hurt in the end.
Lancaster: I've been to one of your book signings and it's obvious how much your fans love you, yet respect you enough to not want to make a suit out of your skin and wear it around a la Silence of the Lambs. You must have a million great stories, but what's been your favorite experience in meeting a reader? (Once someone made me a Jennsylvania Barbie, complete with a madras plaid dress, a tiny string of pearls, and miniature copies of my books and to this day it's one of my most treasured possessions.)
Notar You had better keep that FOREVER. That is so amazing! I hope you put it in a case with a light above it! I'd be too terrified of what I would look like realized in a Barbie doll, so I have to say I'm happy it's never happened. They don't make enough Silly Putty to build my ass in Mattel form. I love readings; it's like having a party that you don't have to clean up afterward (and sometimes, there's cake). I've met people that I've corresponded with for years; people who tell me great stories that make me cry I laugh so hard; my friend Beth brought a picture of her reading Fat Bride on her wedding day; a reader that I love named Katie was 14 and her mom and dad drove her across two states to get to a reading in Minneapolis; and last year, my friend Sasha rode the NYC subway for an hour in crazy, nasty heat when she was eight months pregnant to get to a reading. Every reading always has more than one special moment, but I think my all time favorite had to be when a girl slipped me a note in Seattle that said "You stole my life. Birds will eat you," and we had to get store security to "help" her leave. I was like, "Really? I stole your life? Have you seen me from behind? If this is yours, you can have it back." Poor thing. A very nice reader in Denver gave me an enormous pair of panties--the wingspan of a pterodactyl--with my face on the ass. They were remarkable. When I can fit into them, that's when I know the Ding Dongs have won.
Lancaster: There's a quote that goes something like, "Being related to a writer is like having an assassin in the family." Where do you draw the line on what you'll include in a memoir?
Notar Anything I do is fair game; it may take me a while to come to terms with it, but eventually, the horror fades and it makes it into a book. As far as my family is concerned, there are rules. I never write about my in-laws, and they all know there is a gold mine there just waiting to be hacked at. It's worse than Dynasty over there. But I can't do a Christmas with 14 pairs of eyes that don't have to forgive me because we share DNA like my family. My family gets the brunt of it, as does my husband, and they are all really good sports. Every once in a while, my mother will beg me not to write about something, so I don't, and there are other times when I decide not to cross a line because it would be too hurtful to someone I care about. If it's questionable, I'll ask if it's okay and let them read the piece before I submit it. I've been much more reckless when I was younger, adhering to the "Well, you did it, so I can write about it" school of thought, but certainly, now, there are things that I wouldn't have written about with such...gusto.
Lancaster: I adore your phraseology. For example, in It Looked Different on the Model you detail an unfortunate encounter with a topless hippy at a barbecue, describing her errant breast as looking like a "rooty yam." How do you come up with this stuff?
Notar Man, I live in a place where people will show you a picture of their afterbirth like it was a photo of a puppy. Not cool. I gasp on an average of about 30 times a day, and I once caught a hooker soliciting a sixth grader wearing a Harry Potter backpack in Phoenix. I just called it like I saw it on that one. That boob didn't belong at a barbecue, it belonged in a produce bin or a cold, dark cellar. It was HORRIBLE. There were prettier things in Clash of the Titans.
Lancaster: Finish this sentence: "If I weren't writing, I'd be"¦"
Notar "...on unemployment."
Lancaster: In chatting with you about due dates last year, you mentioned the desire to "fling monkeyshit at me" if I were one of those writers who didn't procrastinate. (Considering I turned in a completely different book than the one I was supposed to write, almost two months late to boot, this is not an issue.) What's your favorite deadline-avoiding activity?
Notar Watching people go batshit crazy on Facebook. You can post anything and people are happy to fight about it. You can post the most innocuous things and people are ready and willing to throw down like two ladies on food stamps fighting over the last brick of $1.99 cheese at Wal-mart. I don't get it. I don't even want to fight with people I hate, let alone people I don't even know and couldn't give a description of to the police. I once posted something about it being sucky that people pirated movies, music and e-books. One girl had such a hissy fit that in the span of three messages, she posted that she "hated me, I was just like my mother and could I defriend her because she couldn't figure out how to do it on her iPhone." It. Was. Awesome. It was like watching someone throw water on a green lady holding a broom. Phenomenal meltdown.
Lancaster: Who'd play you in your movie/sitcom?
Notar If I had better self esteem, I'd say Lauren Graham, but since I just saw myself in the mirror coming out of the shower, I've got to be realistic. Roseanne Barr. My apologies to her.
Lancaster: I have to thank you again for being such an inspiration. So for the big finale, and maybe to get an idea of the footsteps I should follow next, I'd like to ask one of those awful questions that are so uncomfortable at job interviews. Where do you see yourself in ten years? (Note: never say "at your desk." That's the kind of answer that keeps you unemployed.)
Notar Probably dead. Like I said, my health insurance isn't so hot and I convince myself that every malady I have is because I ate a fiber bar and that Gas X will heal me. So if I were you, I'd get decent coverage and it's a good idea never to eat anything with more than .5 grams of fiber on an empty stomach. And never eat more than one fiber bar a day; you could very well find that you had launched yourself into orbit. So yeah. Either I'll be cremated and my husband's second wife will have stuck me in the basement, or if I'm lucky and my insurance holds, I'll be the chicken jerky treat lady and dogs everywhere will love me. Nothing's better than that!
Thank you Jen, I think you rock and I loved your new book! Everyone is going to love it! I hope this was as much fun for you as it was for me. Can I ask five questions now? :)
Do you really live in Jake Ryan's house?
Lancaster: I did not buy a house that was featured in a John Hughes movie, although Cameron's steel-and-glass-on-stilts home from Ferris Bueller was on the market in the area where we wanted to buy. We didn't even take a peek at it because I'm such a rabid Hughes fan that if we saw it, I would want it despite everything about it being wrong for us. For example, I tend to park by feel so I really don't need a glass garage. Also, all I could picture was our dogs tumbling down the ravine every time we let them out. Plus, we'd have gone broke remodeling it because if the MLS photos are any indication, the place is a love letter to the décor of 1986. But the idea of buying the wrong place because of an emotional connection is what inspired me to write If You Were Here, so it worked out.
Notar I have a feeling you had a blast writing If You Were Here--did you map out the plot, or did you go along for the ride to see what happened? Did the characters do anything you weren't expecting them to do?
Lancaster: This was the most fun I've ever had as a writer! Like you, my background is memoir so until now, I was pretty constrained by the truth. Often I'd find myself allowing a stupid/awkward situation continue so that I could later write about it. With fiction, nothing bad happened to me! I didn't lose my job! I didn't find out the hard way never to carry a Prada bag to the unemployment office! I got to make shit up! The whole writing process was glorious! And now I need to apologize for every time I ever rolled my eyes when I heard a writer say, "The characters told me what was going to happen next." Turns out they did. Like with the benevolently homicidal grandmother Babcia? I never envisioned her. She just came to life on the page and she scared me too much not to write her into the story.
Notar Most writers have quirks and habits (and may get a little pissy when on a deadline)--is there anything that you need to do while you're working that would surprise your readers? Special snack? Velvet pillow for your feet? Pool boy misting you and feeding you bon bons?
As for the cabana boy, we actually bought a place with a pool. I was so busy with my manuscript when we moved in that I never saw who came to clean it once a week. I finally had to ask my husband, "Hey, are the pool boys cute?" envisioning adorable swim team members from the local high school. My husband replied, "It depends. Do you find a short, overweight, middle-aged guy with a gunshot wound cute?" So pretty much I feed myself bon bons. And by bon bons I mean Skittles, sorted by color and eaten one flavor at a time.
Lancaster: I need absolute quiet to write. When we moved into our new house, I was amazed at how much more productive I could be. In the city, we lived on a busy corner in a questionable neighborhood with an illegal daycare across the street. Once every couple of hours, the staff would herd the kids into what was a glorified dog run and they'd shriek until it was time to go back inside. Between that and the screech of bus brakes and the gang members who liked to fight in the bus shelter in front of the house, I was always distracted. Turns out I can concentrate a lot harder when I don't have to get up and glower out the window every five minutes.
As for the cabana boy, we actually bought a place with a pool. I was so busy with my manuscript when we moved in that I never saw who came to clean it once a week. I finally had to ask my husband, "Hey, are the pool boys cute?" envisioning adorable swim team members from the local high school. My husband replied, "It depends. Do you find a short, overweight, middle-aged guy with a gunshot wound cute?" So pretty much I feed myself bon bons. And by bon bons I mean Skittles, sorted by color and eaten one flavor at a time.
Notar My office looks like the DEA just raided it. I picture your office to be the polar opposite--everything perfectly in its place, photo-shoot ready, right out of a Pottery Barn catalog. Am I right?
Lancaster: My office is a lot like me - pretty on the outside. I mean, I work hard to come across as pulled together with styled hair and fresh lipstick, but I guarantee I'm wearing a torn girdle and my bra's stained orange by spray tanning. Also? If it doesn't show, it isn't shaved. Interpret that as you will.
As for my office, the furniture matches and there's a lovely Persian rug on the floor. But it's all anarchy, all the time inside the drawers. That's where you'll find a cache of power cords to electronic devices I no longer own, rolls of film dating back to the Clinton administration, and free-range Spree candies from my Christmas stocking circa 2007. When we moved, instead of taking this opportunity to sort out all this crap, I simply dumped it all into a box and then refilled the drawers with the same contents. And the closet? Don't even ask me about the closet. Bad things happen in that closet. Finally, the rug's often the most convenient place for my puppy Libby to take a leak. If you visit, I suggest you keep your shoes on.
Notar What made you take the leap from non-fiction to fiction? And how much of it was real-life? I think I saw a lot of Jen in there (some of my favorite parts)!
Lancaster: Originally this book was supposed to be a memoir about moving from the gritty city to the bucolic suburbs, so the first few chapters are almost completely autobiographical. Our plan was to buy a fixer-upper, do all the work ourselves, and document the process. But as we punch-listed everything we'd need to do at a couple of places, we realized that we are, in fact, very lazy and our conflict resolution skills are nil. We thought that if we tried to renovate a house, we'd probably get divorced. But I loved the idea of two idiots trying to rehab a place and If You Were Here was born.
Recently, I thought we should try to update the bathroom off my office as clearly I learned no lessons while writing this novel. We went so far as to take out the toilet in preparation of tearing out tile. That damn commode sat next to my desk for a week while we battled over travertine versus marble versus glass tile. Turns out I'd rather have a mauve tub and a husband who likes me. We've since put the toilet back and decided to never speak of DIY renovation again.
Notar Real Housewives of New Jersey or New York?
Lancaster: Team New Jersey! Bergen County represent!
Notar I know how much you love fashion--what's your favorite outfit right now?
Lancaster: I'm perpetually clad in some kind of ice-cream colored alligator shirt, loose khaki capris, pearls, and a really fantastic handbag. My style is overwhelmingly traditional. Funny story, though "“ I'm about to ruin any fashion cred I may have had. You see, I have a pair of backless black penny loafers that I've been kicking around in for so long the soles are cracked in two. I love them and they go perfectly with everything I own. But I recently wore them on a trip to Dallas and all the TSA guys felt sorry for me and my sad broken shoes as they went through the X-ray machine so I knew I had to replace them.
I've never been able to find a similar pair until I ran across a listing on line. The replacement pair I found was absolutely perfect in cut and color and style. The thing is"¦ they were used. As in worn. By a different pair of feet. But such was my desire to keep my old look going, I had to have them. They arrived, I disinfected the hell out of them, and they're a perfect replacement for the old ones. You know how people are always saying how hard it is to walk a mile in another person's shoes? Turns out as soon as you re-establish the toe grooves, it's totally fine.
Notar What's the best and the worst thing that's ever happened to you on book tour (aside from coming home and leaving)?
Lancaster: The best thing that ever happened was on my Pretty in Plaid tour. I did a reading about sorority rush and I kept referencing my old college roommate Joanna who I loved, but our lives went in different directions and we lost touch. When it came time for Q&A, a familiar face raised her hand and said, "I'm Joanna and I want to tell you how proud I am of you!" That was a great moment and we've been in close contact ever since.
The worst moment didn't seem like it at the time. I was at a reading in New York wearing a pretty yellow sundress and I thought I looked adorable. It wasn't until I saw two hundred photos of the event on my Facebook fan page that I realized a vast amount of my ratty bra was visible in every single picture.
Notar How many times a day do readers tell you that you should have a baby because "it would be great material"?
Lancaster: Dude"¦ every? All? Each minute? Argh. I always reply I have enough creatures vomiting on my nice rugs right now.
Notar When are we going to get together for an encore grilled cheese and French fries?
Lancaster: I'm free this afternoon! And the dogs wouldn't mind if you brought more chicken jerky...